Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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