she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The ass gains better be worth it
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