I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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