Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This baby is an asshole
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
