I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
