I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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