Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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