Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
