I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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