I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
