Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
