Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Did you just see the Batmobile???
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
