the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
