The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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