the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
