Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
