I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We got so high we made milksteak
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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