if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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