Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
