his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am available for nakedness
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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