overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
