i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
