I wish you could order shots online.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
