so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
