my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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