i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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