yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
