i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
