she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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