Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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