I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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