I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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