I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
