I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
