Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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