There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
