the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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