at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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