He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
