So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
