Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
