I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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