I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
nutella sex= disaster
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize