Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
