3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
