I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
