totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
