Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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