so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
