I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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