Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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