Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
