She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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